our dear, sweet cat Buster sighed out his final exhale Monday morning. it was one of the most beautiful, poignant and heartbreaking experiences of my life - right in there with the passing of some of my dearest humans. it brings to mind the phrase which came to me earlier this year - “glorious sorrow.” it feels perfectly accurate for our times and this moment.

this whole experience has truly been filled with Glorious Sorrow.

Buster (not the name i would have chosen for him - Buddy was my endearment) came into my life eight years ago when Jakob’s second wife, who had taken him with her on a journey out of state, brought him back to the Refuge. i had no idea how much this beautiful being would change my life. my first impression of him was the striking resemblance between him and Mickey, our family’s companion when my children, second husband and i lived on Love Creek Road. Mickey was regal beyond compare, and the most badass hunter i have ever seen (we often recount his epic hunting stories… perhaps i’ll share another time). i had a very strong sense Buster was Mickey coming back into my life to finish our “business” together and be my guru yet again.

as everyone who met him remarked, Buster was a king. he was royalty in every sense of the word. that said, some people called him a butthead. however, i feel that’s entirely erroneous. to me, he was an exemplar of authenticity, boundaries and truth telling. if he didn’t like some thing, he would let you know. no excuses, no “i’m sorry but.” he called it as he saw it. he had little patience for most dogs, other cats and children, overseeing his territory with certainly and aplomb. he wouldn’t think twice about giving one of them a sharp, quick slap to remind them of their place. to be honest, as a recovering people pleaser, i admired that.

similarly, when he liked something, he was also very clear about it. his purr could be heard across a room, and his elegant and equanimous way of showing affection was truly exemplary. he never fawned, but allowed contact in a way that showed his respect and love without crossing his personal boundaries. he loved a good head and chin rub, and he could play like nobody’s business. his game of hide and seek was honed to a fine art, settling down behind a curtain and waiting for just the right moment for someone to walk by and snag their foot with laser precision. i particularly loved our “wrestling” matches, but those dwindled as he got older.

mostly, we sat quietly together, him settling on top of my favorite blanket on my lap or next to me while i worked, crafted, read or just sipped tea. he had the uncanny ability to “make biscuits” or sit purring on the places in my body which were aching or sore. i will always remember how he offered himself to be loved by leaning his sweet head into my waiting hand. he was one of my best friends and teachers. a guru, an anchor in the many times i needed to have some physical contact to ground me when i was spinning with anxiety. he also taught me much in learning how to tune into my surroundings even more through proprioception. we knew exactly when to come close and when to give each other space.

we had a mutual understanding which lasted until the very end.

a few nights after his diagnosis, i had an intuitive reading with the amazing Shannon Hernandez, confirming what i was already sensing. at Buster’s request, she pulled a card from her tarot deck - Patience - which was one of the major lessons he taught, and continues to teach, me. it was very clear that he did not want, nor did he need, anything outside of himself to manage his pain or process. in fact, the one time i did give him a very small dose of pain medication shortly after his diganosis, i regretted it instantly. i could see he knew what he was doing and that he had the spiritual strength and warrior’s dignity to go through this passage without intervention. so, other than holding space and offering gentle touch and cuddles as he requested, Jakob and i respected his innate knowing. this experience taught me so much about honoring the wishes of a dying person (human or other-than-human) and reminded me, once again, how very much we need to reintegrate the naturalness of the dying process into our lives and communities. there is so much to say about this (perhaps i will in another blog sometime). for now, i’m just so grateful we listened to him.

i am beyond grateful to have had the privilege of being death doula to him during his passage. it was a most profound and magical 27 hour journey through tears, silence, comforting and holding space which brought me to presence over and over. as he began his inward passage, i could sense when he needed space to be alone as well as the moments when he just needed some soft contact - a gentle stroke on his sweet paw or his swiftly expanding belly, a hand under his slowly reclining head. it was the most tender of times.

after nearly 24 hours of supporting him in his process, i awoke at 4:45 Monday morning knowing we were close. as Jakob slept, i sat with Buster while he shifted between trying to get comfortable and resting, his eyes fully dilated, clearly seeing things i could not. so i made a cup of tea and settled in to meditate, listen and watch. as i did, a vision of Buster in the ancestral realm flooded my vision. i saw him, in the midst of a broad golden landscape, walking on a golden road towards a golden city surrounded by a vast colorful, golden-hued jungle. he was on the road to his new kingdom. i also had the most profound healing experience, facilitated by his spirit, with each of the cats and dogs for whom i had the privilege to provide a home in my adult life. to be honest, i’ve carried a lot of guilt about my care (or lack thereof) for many of them, and this allowed me to let it all go.

later that morning, after a long while of spooning his little body, his head cradled in my hand while he rested and stared out the window, he looked up at me for about a minute. it reminded me of the time many years ago when i had the honor of holding space for a wild coyote while she died on the side of the road. we just rested in each other’s gaze. no leaning in. no pulling away. just pure presence, love and utmost gratitude. shortly after that, he began to meow regularly. it felt to me as though his big spirit was trying to pull away from that small, tired body. i closed my eyes at one point, and the golden vision reappeared immediately. as i watched him walk towards the golden city, he transformed into a very large, very beautiful golden lion. of course, more tears flowed as i witnessed his spirit expanding.

shortly before it was clear he was close to the moment of his leaving, our dear sister Shira came to be with us. i am so grateful for her presence as he began the very physical process of releasing his body. if i hadn’t witnessed it before, i might have been nervous, scared even. but i knew what this was, so we just gave him a lot of space as we watched and prayed as his body began to move wildly, releasing more and more. and then, finally, in one big orgasmic heave and exhale, he left. although his little body was fully spent and he was clearly not here anymore, it took about 20 minutes more for the breathing to stop. as i wept and gave thanks for the blessing of being able to be with him during this most profound and precious moment, the golden vision returned one final time - the gates of the kingdom had opened and thousands of angels and ancestors were singing this lion king back Home.

ever regal and dignified, Buster did his dying, as his living, like the king he was, is, and always will be.

it’s been a few days since we buried his little body in a heartfelt ceremony in our back garden, and i miss him more than i can say. deeper than that, though, i feel sweet peace and gratitude. i will always be immeasurably grateful to have had him with us as long as we did and to Jakob’s second wife for whatever it was that guided her to bring him back to the Refuge when she did. i’m sure she had no idea she was escorting my guru.

thank you to each and every one of you who love him as much as you do. the outpouring of care and love from so many people has been a real balm for my broken heart. here are a couple poems i wrote about him last year. i hope you enjoy them.

sweet Buddy, may your next journey be filled with all the dignity, joy and grace you brought to this life. thank you. thank you. thank you.

this sweet being who

seems to know just when to sit

on my lap or lie

next to me, with his

healing purr and rhythmic paws,

whose crystalline eyes

and velvet-soft fur

remind me of life‘s simple

sweetness, is such a

dear and treasured friend.

as he grows older, i know

i will have to say

goodbye someday. thus,

i cherish his presence in

my life even more.

this feline being,

companion, cuddler, hunter,

seems to be my twin.

this morning it came

clearer how true that is

as he nestled into

my lap for morning

meditation. with my hand

under his head, i

felt the tension in

his neck release as he let

go into my palm.

the similar ways

we respond to life stun me

sometimes. our love of

snuggling and touch, our

easily over-aroused

nervous systems which

can react with an

“i’ve had enough” lightning-speed

grab and bite. yet he

is wholly gentle,

elegant and kind, even

kitten-like in his

sheer playfulness and

willingness to share. never

have i thought i was

a cat person. but

now, with his heart-shaped form next

to me, i can’t bear

to move and disturb

his slumber, or the thought of

life without him here.

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saying goodbye to Buster