on supporting queer friends and family… leaning into inconvenience

photo credit: https://www.pexels.com/@mccutcheon

if you really knew me, you’d know that i’ve been sitting with these words for a while. to be honest, it feels really edgy for me to say what i’m about to say because, sadly, it’s an edgy topic. (not that i think it should be; but in this age of serious polarization on just about everything, it is.) if you choose to comment, i look forward to kind, thoughtful and civil dialogue. thank you.

i’ve been thinking a lot about how i see people respond to friends and family who are making the shift from default binary gender labels, language and expression to less “easily-defined” ones. i have several friends and family members who are on this journey, and it’s not necessarily easy to shift out of what even i sometimes experience as a really sticky, cement-like binary paradigm. it’s also not always easy for those of us who love them to adjust. but, in my considered opinion, it is of utmost importance that we honor their choices by honoring the language and expressions they are choosing to use. to be more open in our own ways of thinking and speaking to and about them.

as an older cisgendered woman, it’s often easy for me to forget when someone i’ve known for a long time who is making this shift requests that i use “they” and “them.” it challenges my mental and speech habits to call someone a sibling instead of a brother or sister, a child instead of a son or daughter, a parent instead of a mother or father. and, as far as i know, there is not even a word in the English language (yet!) for the non-binary version of an aunt or uncle.

if you know someone making similar choices and you’re having a “hard time,” however, i invite you to consider this. up to this point, the person you say you love and care about has spent their entire life living in a way which did not feel authentic for them. they’ve likely struggled, more times than you can imagine, with feelings of depression, anxiety and loneliness because they knew they were different, and they may not even have been able to put their finger on why. they have probably tried (in more ways than you can imagine) to adhere to cultural expectations which never felt right, and have likely considered suicide (more than you probably want to imagine). they’ve probably sensed there was some other way, but they had no permission or support for even exploring that possibility. often times, they didn’t feel they fit - anywhere. not even in their own skin.

consider that, as much as you think it’s hard to adjust to your loved one’s choice, think again. it’s probably not hard for you; it’s inconvenient. it’s hard for them.

so, if you continue to struggle with their choice, if you’ve felt annoyed or judgmental, i challenge you to ask yourself why. why are you struggling with using the pronouns they’ve requested you use? are you confused by this seemingly sudden change? are you threatened by their choice to step outside the conditioned box we’ve all been living in? are you uncomfortable with their choice because maybe, at some time in your life, you wish you had the courage to do something different from what’s been expected of you? do you tell yourself you don’t know how to relate to them anymore (outside the confines of the structure you had them in before)?

or, if you dive down deeper, do you just really miss them as who they were - as your big or little brother or sister, as your daughter or son, as your friend - and you don’t know how to find a way back to the relationship you once had with them because you feel so awkward about how to approach them now? i understand you may be grieving, as though you’ve lost the person you knew. consider, though, that who they are now is who they’ve always felt themselves to be, even if they weren’t consciously aware of it. so, rather than thinking of them as lost, can you consider the possibility that what’s being asked of you is to support them in finding and celebrating themselves for who they truly are? who would you rather support them to be - the person you want them to be or the person they know themselves to be?

sometimes for me, it can be really challenging to be honest with myself (and, of course not all of these above questions may apply to me or you). but i invite you to join me in digging deeper. yes, it’s challenging, and even inconvenient. but it’s questions like these that are calling us forward into a better, upgraded version of ourselves.

and, if you think you can do it in a good way, i invite you to give them the gift of sharing honestly and vulnerably with them - about how you feel, what you’re thinking, the stories you tell yourself about how different it is now. about everything. and do it with more love, care and humility than you think you may need to. if you do, remember to stay in your lane and speak from your own experience rather than telling them what they’ve done to “make” you feel this way. they know, more than you can possibly imagine, what you’re thinking and feeling, and they’re probably being really polite by not saying anything. but that, too, perpetuates the old paradigm.

so, the next time you say “she” or “he” instead of “they” or you call them your brother or sister instead of sibling or friend, take a breath. pause and consider that, as hard as it may feel to you, it simply isn’t. it’s just inconvenient. think about how hard it’s been for them and how hard it is for them when you “forget” or refuse to honor their choice. stop and apologize. own your mistake. own your discomfort. speak to it, kindly and with care. and keep doing better. then, acknowledge yourself for that.

remember, these friends and family members are some of the most courageous people on the planet.

so, rather than feeling put out by their choices, can you consider honoring them for being true leaders in the most profound sense of the word by using the words they are bravely requesting you to use? it’s time for a change. it’s time to break open the old, crusted ways we’ve been operating from so we can birth something new that most of us can’t even imagine is possible. it’s time to lean into inconvenience. bless us all.


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