for David, who died on a Thursday

photo credit: https://unsplash.com/@federicagiusti

foreward: as i was musing on whether or not to write this piece, feeling tired and “out of sorts,” two hawks began to scream loudly right outside the window where i’m sitting. i looked up and they were “floating” nearly at eye level over the small valley below the house where i’m housesitting ths week. i took that as a “yes.”  so, here you go.

last year, on Thursday July 21st, my uncle David left his earthly body.

sadly, due to some incredibly unfortunate circumstances (aside from the pandemic), there has not yet been a memorial for him. in so many ways, that lack of closure has felt like an open wound left to fester, which very much reflects my long-held experience of our relationship. it was complicated. for many reasons. not the least of which was his complicated relationship with my mother, his little sister who died 20 years before him.

the truth is, his death was the catalyst for a journey of deeper self-reflection in which i’ve been squarely facing the family dynamics which fostered our complicated relationship. this didn’t start just with us. i’ve prayed countless times for forgiveness, to release myself from the (mostly unspoken) anger and grief i’ve held for decades. but, to be honest, in large part because of the unfortunate circumstances mentioned earlier, it’s felt nearly impossible to unwind the rubber band ball of emotions and judgments reflected in the first poem written nine days after his passing.

recently, however, i’ve had the blessing of starting some of the most powerful healing work of my life as i participated in the Ancestral Lineage Healing course with Daniel Foor this February. little did i know that diving into that body of work would provide the foundation for transforming my relationship with my uncle. suffice to say, the support i’ve had the grace to receive from my well and vibrant ancestors has radically shifted my perspective. and, for the first time in my life, i’ve experienced a sense of belonging i’ve never before felt.

last month, i had the great fortune of participating in a beautiful, intimate ceremony by the Pacific ocean with his partner and a few of their closest friends to honor the first anniversary of his passing and what would have been his upcoming 85th birthday. it was exactly what i needed. i just didn't know until everyone started sharing. when it finally came time for me to sing, i was able to do so with a joy and completeness i had not yet felt. the second poem reflects the healing and openings which were provided by both the course and the kindliness of those elders who stood in that ceremonial circle.

David, thank you. i am now starting to understand and integrate the blessings which were folded into the challenges between us. for that i am eternally grateful. i love you.

---

for David, who died on a Thursday (7/30/21)

your leaving has not

yet sunk into me. absence,

although it sometimes

can make the heart grow

fonder, can also make space

where it should not be.

i got used to the

distance between us (maybe

i needed it). but

this feeling, or lack

thereof, in my bones is grey,

empty, hollow, numb.

i try to find threads

of your loud, infectious laugh,

so distinctive. but

they elude my strained

memory. perhaps decades

of unspoken hurt,

of bolstering my

sensitive heart against your

judgments, ridicule

and often vicious

mockery, built a kind of

fortress for which i

have lost the key. and

now it is too late to crack

the door, bridge the gap.

i guess my work of

letting go of the boulder

of anger and pain

yet unresolved, of

sharing the burden of this

forgiving, is to

be done without you.

i want so much to pardon

you, but i do not

know how to begin.

i want to wish you the best

on your next journey,

but the words stick in

my throat. i wanted a real

apology. for

you to own what you

did without blaming me for

the choices you made.

i pray to reclaim

the love between us, to find

peace in my heart and

purge this poison i

swallowed so i can hear your

laughter, clearly. so

i can offer my

healing to your spirit, to

this family i

have struggled so in

which to find my place, and be

free to live in love.

---

forgiveness (8/29/22)

I listened, as though

standing outside a room, my

ear to the keyhole,

in near disbelief

that there was another way

of seeing a man

i had mostly judged

a tormentor and bully.

to hear others’ words

of praise and respect

while i still struggled to find

a way to forgive

was, to say the least,

confounding. but standing on

that cold, windy beach

at low tide in a

circle of elders who knew

him so differently

did something to me.

as i took in, one by one,

their heartfelt memoirs,

so sincere and true,

he came to me dressed in white,

smiling broadly with

open arms. i asked

for his help to release this

burden of anger.

he met my gaze with

such love and care, it melted

my defenses. tears

poured from my eyes as

he apologized and asked

my forgiveness. i

nearly sank right there

into the cool sand. instead,

i met his request

with complete release

and asked for his in return.

decades of discord

fell away like caked

mud, long-dried over my heart,

and all that was left

was a quiet awe

so tender and fresh, all that

i could do was sing.

if you enjoyed reading this blog, please consider supporting my work by becoming a Patron. thank you!