some thoughts on a matriarch
this weekend i was housesitting in a lovely apartment overlooking Lake Merritt in Oakland to support a dear friend with a theatre project. i was also stressing over the fact that it was beyond the first of the month and i still hadn’t posted a blog or sent my newsletters. as usual, i was in my perennial struggle to figure out what to write about. i want it to be meaningful. i want it to be relevant to what’s happening in the world. i want it to move my heart and the hearts of my readers. i want it to inspire at least one person besides me to take positive action in this crazybeautiful world we live in.
after reading some articles about the appalling May 1st murder of Jordan Neely, i read through some of the blogs i’ve started but never finished in the last few years hoping to find something relevant to complete. some of these seedlings are really good and they even move me. but none of them felt quite right. i have so very many things i want to write about, i get overwhelmed with the sheer number of words and topics about which i want to write. then i get paralyzed.
so, i took a few moments to feel into what wants to be written about in this moment, even if it wasn’t about current events. as i sat watching the sun setting over the hills, i thought of my aunt Dorothy and all the ways in which she was a real champion for her beloved city of Berkeley. i saw her recently at the celebration of life for my uncle David, her last remaining sibling, the day after her 93rd birthday and have been thinking about her a lot since.
to be honest, she seemed troubled. i’m sure partly because of a series of health issues which have left her frail and frustrated in their wake. it was hard to see her like this, as i have always known her to be sturdy and assertive.
truth be told, when i was a kid, i was terrified of my mom’s older sister. her fierce forthrightness and ability to manage a multitude of tasks and people at once made her a powerhouse of person and administrator at the university. she was also dignified, almost royal, in her demeanor and led the kind of upscale lifestyle i only experienced when i was in her presence. when i visited her and her family in Berkeley every summer i was always afraid, as the country bumpkin tomboy daughter of her rebellious and hippy-ish little sister, i would say or do something stupid. over the years, however, i grew to respect her deeply, and after a very difficult few years between us after my mom’s death, came to love and care about her very much.
the other thing i know was troubling her is the same thing which has distressed me for nearly two years - a complicated family situation which i believe, if left unaddressed, could rend the current fabric of our family. i haven’t shared anything about it yet out of respect to the parties involved. but i’m working on something which i hope can offer an opening for long overdue truth-speaking and healing.
suffice to say, it grieved me to see her in this way at the memorial. she was so unlike the Dorothy I knew. it also made me realize that our family may soon lose its current matriarch. when i think of her passing, i believe our family will be at a critical turning point. for we have no real leader in my generation. not, at least, any individual in whom i would entrust the leadership of the future of our beloved Love Creek Ranch.
as i listened to the city soundscape, i was reminded of Dorothy’s passion for every voice to be heard and honored. in a family i experience as dominated by a very masculine approach to life and persuasive, cerebral men, i’ve often been dismissed for my passionate, heart-led approach to pretty much everything. but when i think of her fortitude, i’m bolstered in my sense that, for whatever reason, it is my task in this family to be a truth-speaker.
as democratic as we may appear to ourselves, i believe is time for my family (and our country) to release hierarchical structures which no longer serve us. to lay to rest the concept of the matriarch and patriarch and invite the next generation to the table in a more real and meaningful way. it is time to listen the wisdom they possess because they have been born into this time of Great Uncertainty. i believe Dorothy would be in favor of this. it’s time for me to put my privilege where my mouth is while also doing my best to take exquisite care of myself and honoring my own pace and flow. stay tuned.
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