on returning to The Refuge

our first day back at The Refuge. left to right: Jakob, ayreÁnna,(Geppetto), Justine, Amasa and Tim

leaving…

many of you know that, as 2020 came to a close, i was clear i needed to leave The Refuge. after a year of pandemic and other changes, i could no longer live within the form into which it had morphed. i wrote fairly extensively about our process of leaving The Refuge early last year, but I haven’t really written much about it since then. not publicly at least.

looking back, it was absolutely necessary for me to leave. critical, even. and it was with great relief, given the makeup of my various personality traits, that we left when we did. the deeper truth is, i never chose The Refuge. when i met him almost nine years ago, i chose Jakob - and The Refuge came along with him. i’ve never been drawn to the the heat and summer beige of the foothills, having always driven through them as quickly as possible to get from mountains to sea and back again. you see, i am a forest girl, through and through. i thrive in green and shade and cooler weather. i relish rain and snow. my favorite sounds are the wind blowing through the pines, and my favorite form of entertainment is reading a good book cozied up with a cup of tea by a fire while a thunderstorm rages outside.

yet, despite all the challenges, it was not easy to leave. it was a big grieving process - one, with all the personal and global troubles which deeply affected our life at The Refuge, from which i’m still gleaning insights. but, honestly, leaving was much harder for Jakob than for me. it wasn’t his first choice. at all. and, although i trusted deeply in the depth and strength of our relationship and i believed he could have stayed and i could have found another “primary home,” that didn’t feel right to him.

long story short, we found a beautiful, cozy home nearby and settled in as best we could. but there was something which never was quite right. as happy as i was to be in my own space, and as much as he tried to make things work there, Jakob deeply missed the birds, gardens and peaceful energy that he had worked so hard to help flourish at The Refuge.

pivoting…

then, in July of 2021, a little less than four months after we left, we were told that the sale of The Refuge was not going to go through. once again, perfection had revealed itself in the arc of time, and we were now presented with another huge decision about the trajectory of our lives. after many heartfelt conversations and more squarely facing the fact that Jakob had become quite depressed, we decided to return to The Refuge. i am deeply grateful for the six months of solo time, but Jakob’s wellbeing was more important than staying where we were.

considering the amount of work involved, it was easier to pivot than i had anticipated. we had down-sized considerably in the move away, and it was a great opportunity to minimize even more when we moved back. we were clear that we couldn’t manage the entire property by ourselves and were overjoyed when Tim and Justine (and now Amasa!) said they would like to join us back there after having had to return to Missouri six years prior. Jakob and i had missed them greatly and repeatedly said we wished they could be back at The Refuge with us. now our dream was coming to fruition!

returning…

our return, however, was harder than i expected in some unanticipated ways. as much as I hate to admit, i was deeply disappointed at the condition in which we found it when we returned, and we ended up spending many hours and quite a lot of money to bring it back. after allowing myself time to contemplate everything, i came to the conclusion that the group had simply “bitten off more than they could chew.” i also had to admit an even deeper and more painful truth that, in stepping away from the Refuge more and more in the last three years, i had actually abdicated the responsibilities i had to the Refuge. since our return, i’ve recommitted in a more balanced and boundary'd way and have found many gifts which were not evident when we returned in the height of summer last year, including finding numerous herbal companions scattered throughout the gardens with whom i am making deeper relationship than i’ve ever made with plants before. i am deeply grateful to Zion and Liyanna for bringing and stewarding them in their special way while they were here.

we’ve been back for nearly a year now, and i have to say that, although it hasn’t been perfect, it feels good to be back - at least in the cooler months. we still struggle with many of the things we struggled with before as homeowners, land mates and garden tenders. there are conversations that need to be worked through, water which must be conserved in the summer, and continual financial considerations that go along with this kind of endeavor. there are also more joys and delights than i could have imagined. among them, Amasa’s little footsteps in the morning and squeals of delight as he works in the garden (he loves it!), watching the bats emerge at sunset as we all have dinner together on the patio, having more lovely spaces for beloved family and friends to stay when they visit, and knowing that we’re slowly rebuilding something greatly missed by our community.

now that i’ve had more space and time to reacquaint myself with this place, i can look back on the entire experience of the last years with more compassion - for myself and everyone involved. i am also aware that the moment we are in at The Refuge is, in itself, yet another transformative stage in my own relationship to it as a home, an energetic, spiritual and community space, and a part of the body of Earth i have come to love. what I am sitting with now is the knowledge that, as unsettling as it sometimes feels, and although i gestated and birthed The Refuge in my bones, blood and spirit, and have cared for it as a child of sorts for years, it never was my “forever home.” as i navigate the more drastic summer temperatures and seek a place closer to my daughter and her family, perhaps i will find a place where i can put down roots for the “Refuge Annex” to be birthed. somewhere near the coast is a place amongst the trees and fog, greener, cooler and windier, where i may find one. or, perhaps, just the next right place, for at least a while. but i do know that i will love The Refuge until the day i die and beyond, and we're all excited to Amplify Love here again.

if you enjoyed reading this, please consider supporting my work by becoming a Patron. thank you!